My Washing Machine Tried to Kill Us

Pictured below is the monster currently on trial for attempted murder. Don’t let its cool exterior fool you. It is deadly and ruthless. And it’s probably going to get away with it too. Because its white. And we have a lot of dirty clothes.

When will we be free of the tyranny of white appliances?

When will we be free of the tyranny of white appliances?

Recently my parents and I moved into a new home. (Don’t worry, I have a job. It’s totally not lame.) We’ve spent the last few weeks getting settled in and making it pretty much the most ballin’ house I’ve ever lived in. The only problem was that for two or three weeks we did not have a washer or a dryer.

The clothes piled up. I gave the pile a name; Frank. We kept putting off getting the washer. “Oh we don’t need to buy a new one.” “Oh it’s too rainy to go pick it up.” “Oh there’s a re-run of Gilmore Girls on.”

I mean, I get it. You stop most things  when Lauren Graham is on TV.

I mean, I get it. You stop most things when Lauren Graham is on TV.

I went to friends’ houses to do laundry but I felt weird invading their space with my dirty underwear. When I ran out of dry towels, I just bought more towels.

Finally, Sunday was the day. My dad and I loaded into his Tundra and made our way to pick up our new washer/dryer combo from a shipping container in the middle of the woods. Loading it in was easy enough. Drive up to where it’s stored. Tip it into the back of the truck. Drive home.

Once we got it home we then faced the problem of getting it up two flights of stairs into the master bedroom. We got it in the grass easy enough. Then my dad started looking around for ways to prolong getting it inside. He suggested we might need backup. Maybe he could run to Walmart and find magical moving straps that made things super easy to carry. But I was defiant, cocky and in desperate need of clean socks.

I forced him to move on, thinking that my superhero shirts have granted me powers. I said things like, “Dude, we’re strong men. I bench press now. Read my blog.”

It took us 20 minutes to get it inside and onto the initial landing of the stairs.

Now, I’ve never climbed a mountain. I’m pretty afraid of heights, but I hear, it’s hard. That day 12 rickety ass steps became my Everest.

Totally applicable analogy.

Totally applicable analogy.

We assumed that it would be easier to lay it down on a blanket and simply slide it up the stairs. I climbed the stairs, guiding it over each step as my dad pushed. The first three were great. He was pushing, I was lifting, it was sliding along like gangbusters. Father/son bonding acquired.

Then the sweat kicked in. Then the blanket refused to move along with washer. Our grips slipped, his foot tripped and our delightful father/son day became a terrifying action thriller.

The first sign of serious trouble was when my dad put his foot through the wall.

Dad: "Good thing I know how to do sheet-rock."

Dad: “Good thing I know how to do sheet-rock.”

We forced the washer up a couple more stairs. There was no good place to grab a hold of this thing, so when my fat little finger started getting oiled up with man-sweat, I couldn’t really lift it that well anymore.

Then I lost my shoe. And never in my life have been more scared to lose a shoe.

I threw it to the side initially, because deep down I still believed I was Superman. “Screw it, I’ll move this bitch in my socks. Who cares?” I think my dad might have cared a little bit. Because now I could lift the washer at all. It clanked uselessly against the wooden step as my foot slipped and slid, robbing me of precious leverage.

I tried again and again in vain to lift the washer over a stupid inch of wood, but I couldn’t get it. Sweat poured down our faces and the washer started to slide down the stairs.

Now, I’ve never seen what it looks like the moment before a man dies, but if the look in my dad’s eyes was any indication, it’s freaking terrifying. I wanted to cry on the spot. Just throw my hands up. “Oops, I killed my dad. I thought I was strong, but I am weak and I let a washer/dryer combo crush him.”

Luckily, he’s super strong too and was able to hold the thing while I cried like a little baby at the top of the steps. He gathered the blanket and through it off the steps. I went back to trying to lift it. I sat down on the top step because I couldn’t stand without my stupid shoe.

Finally, through stiffled panic and tears, I told my dad that I was going to get my shoe. Cue heroic music.

Thank you Mr. Williams.

Thank you Mr. Williams.

I grabbed the shoe, slid it on my foot and rediscovered the gift of leverage. I lifted the washer up, sort of like the way mother’s lift cars to rescue their babies.

With a few more struggled pushes and pulls, we got the washer up to the landing and called for reinforcements to get it into the room.

It looks like it should have been so much easier than it was.

It looks like it should have been so much easier than it was.

Ultimately I’m proud what my father and I were able to accomplish. It was a large and stupid task, but we met it head on and showed that we are, in fact, a couple of big strong men. I’m also super happy to have pants again. So there’s that. Was it worth almost dying for? No. But at least there’s clean pants.

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Chase Hits the Gym, The Gym Hits Back

I am 300 lbs. Well I am not 300 lbs., I weigh 300 lbs. I am Chase, a person who likes silly things and is not a number. But either way, its jarring to see when you look down at a scale.

Now I wish that I could proudly proclaim that this was all beautifully sculpted man-meat. That I was some towering viking god of merriment. But it is not. Some of it is quality bicep beef, but most of it is All-American flab and Taco Belly.

"Meet my college sweetheart, the Briefcase of Tacos."

“Meet my college sweetheart, the Briefcase of Tacos.”

While weight issues aren’t exactly a new playground for me, batting 300 on the scale has put me back in the gym with renewed vigor. Since early January I’ve been hitting up the rec center gym with my friends Mark, Bailey and Keegan. I’m supposed to be training for the Tough Mudder run that’s happening in May. I think that’s why I was first invited. But mud is gross and running is hard, so I’ve chosen to focus on the more practical goal of not having a stroke by the time I’m 25.

I’ve been rocking the fitness life five days a week for a few months now. Showing up in my Wonder Woman t-shirt with my inner Katy Perry roaring, ready to throw down while wearing unnecessarily colorful socks. Most days, one of two things happens. One: I throw around some iron like I’m late for a Superman audition. Or two: I see how many things I can move around the gym until they realize that Chase is daydreaming about nachos instead of participating in Back Day.

Let’s face it, even though I am showing up to the gym most days, I often leave the eye of the tiger back in the car. I’m not one for pushing boundaries. I know my comfort level and I stick to it. I like lifting heavy things with my chest. I’ll go to town on the bench press like I’m getting sponsored by protein itself. But once we venture into the territory of a lunge or a crunch or the barren hell scape that is the cardio room, Chase is ready to curl up on couch with a martini class full of gummi bears.

"This is decadence."

“This is decadence.”

I like to over-worry about little league baseball injuries or the fact that I only ate two hours before coming into the gym. Squats are always threatening to hurt my knees and I have bad form not because I don’t know better but because I am lazy. The gym is hard and I’m not making it any easier.

If you’ve read any of this blog before, you know that I like to obsess over silly things. Inane stupid fears keep me up at night, but I’m often oblivious to the real things worth being scared of. Things like hypertension and a lifetime of blood pressure medication. The number 300 used to bring to mind pictures of ab-riddled Greeks lopping off heads and Gerard Butler kicking dudes down wells. Now it reminds me that I should have been running instead of watching crappy Zach Snyder movies.

"300: Rise of the Risk of Heart Disease."

“300: Rise of the Risk of Heart Disease.”

The first obstacle has been overcome. I have a burning desire to be in the gym most days. I’m setting goals and meeting them. (I recently benched 205 lbs. That’s, like, an entire person.) But I also know that just standing in the gym won’t make me any healthier. Not when I’m eating three meals for lunch (It was an accident.) or stopping myself the moment something gets tough.

When I’m looking like Blake Griffin and dunking over high school kids at the park, we’ll all have a good laugh about how silly it was that I was once 300 lbs. I’ve just gotta do some work first.

"The dream is real."

“The dream is real.”